Warhammer 40K: Meet the Gods
by TheBadPanda
Summary: The galaxy dances to the tune set forth by those that cannot be understood. But now it is time to gain insight into the Gods of the 40K universe.
1. Chapter 1

Hi Guys,

Here is a new item I have been working on; little interviews with the gods of 40K. I hope you like it.

KHORNE

What?! An intruder in my realm?! Where is this intruder?! Who is brave and bold enough to come to the centre of my fortress? What warrior seeks to challenge ME in battle?! SHOW YOURSELF!

…Ah there you are brave warrior. A human, I expect no less. What is it An'ggrath?...NO! This thing that comes has traversed through my Fortress to me. I will not deny myself a fight with this warrior, nor will I deny this warrior of a worthy fight. Any who slay this fighter shall face my wrath!

Now, brave warrior, come closer to my pyre, into the light. Don't be shy little warrior, I am not going to kill you. At least not yet. Ah, I smell fear and concern. Afraid you may have bitten off more than you can chew? It gets the blood pumping does it not?

My blood is pumping as well, but for an entirely different reason. It has been a long time since an intruder has come before me. My fortress is not something that can be traversed by anyone. To swim through the blood rivers of Pal'torek, to move through my infernal legions, to sidestep my cannons, and yes, to finally enter the Brass Citadel.

Yessss….you are truly a warrior worth fighting. For the first time in an age I can finally stretch my legs and taste the sweet nectar of combat. My sword, 'The Warmaker' longs to take blood once more. But what is this; you come with no weapons? Ah, so you wish to challenge me in hand to hand combat do you? You are either brave or a fool to challenge me the mighty Khorne. Marvellous. Truly marvellous.

A warrior will brand anything his weapon, but only a true fighter will use hands as their weapon. Very well warrior, though my sword hungers for blood, it shall remain in its sheath.

Yes. We shall do battle, a glorious battle and when you die by my hand your skull be sanctimonious amongst the others that make my throne. A proud trophy which I shall keep preserved and treasured from now to the end of eternity! SO COME BRAVE WARRIOR! LET US DO BATTLE!

Ah, the warrior speaks. Yes you feel the battle approach, the thirst rises in you? Though afraid you are excited, yes. What is it warrior? Let my Daemons know what a true warrior sounds like.

….'Don't get up?' What do you speak of?

….You are not here for a fight? THEN WHY ARE YOU HERE! Why have you traversed my Fortress if not for a fight? What kind of warrior are you?

…'To talk'?...HOW DARE YOU COME BEFORE ME?! I should smite you right now and cast your soul into this fire pit along with all the other cowards! Foul worm, you are not even worthy of my blade or my attention! An'ggrath, deal with this insect!

….Hold, An'ggrath. My thirst for blood is denied, but my interest is piqued. What could you possibly want to talk about that you risked traversing my Fortress risking a bloody death? Speak insect, before I lose interest.

…Me? You wish to discuss me? Such flattery and arrogance. You think your puny mind can comprehend me? But if you wish to hear Khorne then so be it, take a seat insect.

I notice you are staring at my throne. Larger than you thought huh? To you perhaps, but these skulls are the accumulation of thousands of years of combat. When I first became aware, the throne was little no larger than an Emperor Class Titan. Now look at it.

But know insect, I am not ungrateful of my throne. I reflect on the blood spilled in my name just as much as I look forward to the blood yet to be spilled. Each skull belonged to someone, and they died for me. Willingly or not is inconsequential and I find it appropriate to know their names.

This one here, belonged to Martelli Acheius of Krieg.

This one here belonged to Crull of the World Eaters, a pleasantly sadistic acolyte but he learned at the hands of an Ork that a warrior must be skilled, strong and _intelligent_.

This one here belongs to an Ork by the name of Dakka 'Ong Killington, a particular ruthless Warboss who caused quite a mess in the western fringes of the galaxy.

But this one here I am particularly fond of, this unremarkable skull belonged to Spencer Fif, a veteran of the Berserkers. A true acolyte who knew me better than others. Knowing my desire for blood was paramount, he took his own life. As a token of his loyalty I always keep him close, right here just where armrest meets the spine of my throne. Do you see it?

…'Fif', the very name brings a smile. You wanted to talk to me insect well I have the perfect topic. Let's talk about Spencer Fif. He was a true warrior and he saw what I saw. 'What' you might ask? Well insect, he saw blood and he fell in love with it. He loved blood in all its beauty and imperfection. He loved its colour, its texture, its taste and warmth. But more than that, he loved what it represented.

What did the blood represent? It represented life, in all its forms. That is what I feel when I stare at the pools and rivers of blood that flow through my Fortress; life. Nothing is more exquisite than watching life flow out of someone's body and into your own.

More than that he appreciated the very nature of how blood came to be. It came through struggle and pain, rage and jealously. These are the elements that require blood to be shed and never has anything mortal or otherwise felt more alive than taking these dark emotions and fuel them into something spectacular.

I knew this and so did Spencer Fif. Do not believe contrary, his sacrifice was welcomed and his blood was added to the great rivers. However even though I am surrounded by Daemons and so call heretics, Spencer Fif was a rarity. He shed blood because he liked it.

Everyone at my command, from the greatest of my Daemons to the lowest of my worshippers kill and shed blood because of a reason. That is the problem. They need a reason. Angorn came to me out of vengeance. Urka Az'baramael did so out of pride and lust for power. Demonbreed did it out of fear. Even Kharn, the ever faithful, he sheds blood both enemy and ally alike. But he does it out of rage and bloodlust. Admirable qualities which I approve of, but his path to me was rimmed with pride, betrayal and resentment. Those that claim to kill for the sake of killing, although plentiful are not genuine. Those that are not driven by some personal agenda are hopelessly insane, allowing the warp to cloud their senses.

But not Spencer Fif, he did not join out of a desire for power, insanity or vengeance or anger. He definitely did not join to please me. He joined us because he liked blood, he appreciated it. He studied it like an art; took his time to enjoy it. While my acolytes share blood for me hoping to gain my favour, Fif shed blood for his own reasons. It would be appropriate to say that he never actually chose my path, but rather his path ran parallel to mine but never truly intersected. Yes, despite the company I keep and the legions that flock to my call every day, I rarely come across a sane blood aficionado.

…Don't look at me that way insect. I know what 'aficionado' means, and I know how to use it in a sentence too. I do not know where you people get these ideas of me being a mindless brute, most likely because of Tzeentch. That duplicitous, arrogant pansy is nothing without its bag of tricks. That quaint little maze thinks it can stop anyone from encroaching on its safety. But what is to stop someone levelling the entire maze?

That is what it and Slaanesh fail to understand. They are completely driven by self-interest, they are never just interested in doing something for the sake of doing it. There always has to be a plan, they never just DO IT! They are always thinking and imagining. I suppose in the end that is why I was given life by humans as opposed to the Eldar. While Eldar are intellectual and boring, man is very much an animal race.

While Eldar are interested in what colour a plant should be, man is killing each other and droves, given to their primal element. All that desire to shed blood would amount to something. In this case it was me.

I have a fondness for blood. As a consequence, I hold an affinity for all those emotions and reasons that would lead to blood being drawn. I am warrior because what else would shed blood. I am the personification of hate and anger because those are the primary drives that fuel bloodshed. But they are just labels. Something a puny mind gives so it can understand, but they cannot see me for what I truly am.

And what I am is a haemophiliac.

….Yes, I know what that word means too. As a haemophiliac I know blood. I know it very well. I am called the Blood God for a reason, speck. As a consequence, although I love blood I know its quality when I see it.

The river over here flows with the blood of the noble and proud. Warriors through and through, you can tell by its texture, slick like oil. But this one here, no not that one, the other one, the flows with the blood of the devoted, its texture is nondescript but the smell, of copper and earth.

That eerie red glow from the river next to it; that is Eldar blood. That runs unpleasantly low and has been for some millennia. The Eldar have forsaken the path of true warriors and embraced trickery. Failing that, Slaanesh claims them for her own…purposes. Freak. I cannot tell me which irks me more.

A new river that has begun to flow is that of the Tau, that strange bluish substance over there. I know it looks gigantic to you, but to me it is little more than a cup. I watch it more out of curiosity than actual enjoyment, their blood is gelatinous and boring.

The Ork river over there is less a river and more a tidal wave. But despite its impressive size it is unappetizing and unremarkable. Have you ever partaken in Ork blood?

…No I suppose not. Be thankful for it is weak and petty. It is like comparing a mass of bread as opposed to an elegant fine wine.

Don't get me started on Tyranids. Those annoying little shits. I might as well try and get blood out of a rock. They fight for every drop and desperately claim everything they lost. There is no sport behind them. There is nothing interesting about those creatures apart from the fact that they want to steal my game for their own. To hell with THAT!

That river behind you that contains the blood of faithful, those humans who serve Anythema. Strangely enough I have always enjoyed watching that river the most. It is easily the most beautiful and prevalent in my Fortress. More so, the blood contains fear…so much fear.

I know what you are thinking. 'If they are so fearful, wouldn't they be cowards', the answer is no. Every man who is in battle faces fear, but only cowards allow that fear to overcome them. That is the difference between the blood that flows in this river and the chaff that is cast into the pyre here.

…You look upset. Could it be that you can hear their screams? Do not weep for the worthless, for like I said, they are just chaff.

I must admit mortal, our little talk was much more amusing than I thought it would. But I grow weary of this. This is normally the part where I would allow my Daemons to split your skull. But it would seem a waste to kill you after you have heard all I said. Besides I have sacrifices being offered to me even as we speak. Your blood can wait.

So go insect, leave and do not return. You clearly were not meant for this place. But know that I am aware of your existence and I will be with your forever. Every paper cut, every scratch; I will be there.

Go.

0o0o0o

Hope you enjoyed.


	2. Chapter 2

Hey guys,

Here is the latest one. I hope you enjoy. It's still experimental at this stage and as you can probably guess I like to put my own spin on things.

I must first state that while I love the 40K universe, I find there is so little lore on any of the main gods or deities I can't really tell how accurate these portrayls are. I guess that is up to you to determine.

Without further ado...

TZEENCH

Ah so you made it.

Right on schedule too. I did not want you to come, but I knew you would. Please, step into my office.

Disconcerting isn't it? Trying to track a voice with no origin, allow me to help; I'm on your left.

….Your other left…That's it.

Hi.

I apologise for staying in the shadows. I am not one for the light, especially in company. Nothing personal. Try focusing on the hood, it helps.

I never expected you of all people to make it to my labyrinth. Nothing has ever made it to me unless I allowed it. Then again, things change.

Hahaha. I'm sorry it is bad joke. You probably would not understand. Tell me, how did you make it through my maze?

…Ah it doesn't matter.

I must declare your trip might have been in vain. I know why you are here, and I'm afraid that I cannot help you. Where you see answers, all I have are questions. You come here for truth, but all I have here are secrets and lies. You truly cannot trust your surroundings, much less what I say.

Besides I'm far too busy doing nothing. This isn't even my office.

Still you are company, and I like company. It is a change of pace compared to my usual seclusion, I am not much of a social deity like Slaanesh or Nurgle.

How about a nice game of chess? Want to play?

...Come on, who else could say they had a game with Tzeench? Exactly, friggin no one.

So have a game; guests get the first move so you get white.

….Hmm, decent opening. My turn.

…I can see this might take a while. Where was I? Ah yes, your appearance in my office. Here to talk, or to listen?

But I do not see how anything we might discuss would in fact be taken on board; everything here is a lie. You think that impressive mahogany desk is actually here? You think the carpet you stand on is Octorian Silk? You think my ceiling actually contains a detailed map of the galaxy? You think I am actually here? You think you are playing chess with chess pieces like that pawn in your fingers? You're silly.

… en passant? Huh.

I must wonder though, how was your trek to my office? Was it confusing and maddening? Did it take a thousand years for you to make it or only a few seconds? Was it a test of your skills in predicting and calculating fifth dimensional walls moving through the space time continuum? Did it fry your brain trying to solve the logic puzzles that I created with a specific paradoxical loop? Was it a challenge unlike anything you have ever faced and most likely ever will?

Or was it as simple as poking a mouse or touching a key? Haha. Sorry; bad joke.

Nice block by the way.

But isn't that what I am? A bad joke? Something that stopped being funny or perhaps was never funny in the first place. Something so painful and irritating that the very mention of my name causes painful groans and frustrated howls. But isn't that the nature of change? Painful and irritating?

Not so. I remember a time when change was not painful, or irritating. Quite the opposite in fact. You were all so different way back in the day; humans I mean. Before your precious Emperor came along and made you so dull. There was a time of great change, technology, sociology papers. I recall the time you created a proton accelerator…

A Large Hadron Collider? You know, a big thing that throws atoms?

….Ugh look it up. Read a book, if you can find one that has not been burnt by now.

Anyhow, there was major debate as to the nature of what would happen? What would the consequences be if such a strange and wonderful machine was ever used? This is why hundreds of your scientists wrote papers with boring titles such as 'Will Relativistic Heavy-ion Colliders Destroy Our Planet?' I thought I could chalk it up to another boring race who won't do anything interesting.

….Awww, so long my little knight; I will miss you so!

But then your people's rebuttals to such arguments was basically, "Let's turn it on and find out!", and you did. I was never more proud; you saw risk and decided to go for it, you were rewarded with a level of technological superiority beyond your imagination. That is when I knew you humans were something special.

But…things changed, didn't they?

You humans don't like change anymore do you? Of course not; it is a terrifying thing to even consider. There is a certain comfort in stagnation, isn't there? Although change could lead to good outcomes, they could just as easily lead to bad.

But what is bad? Or good?

Did you know, once upon a time mass slaughter and Exterminatus was considered wrong? I know, I was shocked too. My how things have changed…

Bad and good are just concepts and semantics; one man's joy is another man's torture. But would anyone know if it was bad or good unless they bothered to try. Didn't your mother always say that you should try new things? You might even like it.

That is why Nurgle and I never got along. Nurgle's obsessed with the past and everything being the same. That is how he likes things; simple, easy, constant…and completely boring. That would actually be the perfect way to describe that fat bloated carcass; boring. Boring Nurgle. Nurgle the Bore. I like that. I think I'll keep that.

…'Me' you ask? What about me? That is the question isn't it…what about me? Well, why don't you take a guess…come on, don't be shy. Heck guess correctly I'll even spare your rook which is dangerously close to my bishop.

…'the future'…ooh! So close! But so far.

Say 'bye-bye' to your rook: Yoink!

The future is mysterious and unknown, leading to paths you have not even considered. Sounds like me, right?

Wrong; because change does not take place in the future.

'Where' you ask? In the present of course! The future merely contains the result of change. Right now at this moment thousands of things are changing. The circumstances of the past lead to a precise moment where something is going to do things differently. They are going to choose to make a change.

Maybe a flower is going to evolve to combat its ecosystem.

Or a general has decided to retreat, when orders tell him to advance.

These moments are happening right now as we speak. Little moments where something different is going to happen, the story is going to deviate. Change will be made, whether it be good or bad.

Change is what gives me strength, but it could just as easily cripple me. But that is why change is a glorious prospect!

But change for all its strength, is nothing without the desire. Contrary to popular belief, I am not all powerful. I cannot force change to occur, it is the people scurrying around like ants that truly make things come to fruition. Conversely I could be lying, like I said; you can't trust what I say.

…well, I wasn't using that rook anyway.

Where was I? The will to change? That sounds about right. Take the Anathema for instance. He did not want the Imperium to turn out this way. But did he do anything to change its course? No. He just sits around….

Haha. Sorry; bad joke.

Seriously, he did nothing to change its direction. He saw it and just allowed the ship to crash into an iceberg…or a neutron star. Whatever. The point still stands. Look at what happened to the Imperium, ten thousand bloody years of not changing. Just look at them.

Having trouble imagining? Here look at the map on the wall over there. Right there, see it? The strange and ever changing colours? But notice how it is in the Eastern Fringe of the Galaxy? The West, dull, black and boring. The East, alive with conflict, ambition, treachery and of course a big ass war. But the West? Stagnant. Any change, much less the potential for change is stomped out by humanity's fear and paranoia. I swear you people need to learn to live a little. That may sound racist, but that is because it is.

You might want to watch that knight of yours. The map may look pretty but we have a game going on here. Not that you may not care, you are up by two points.

But back to Anathema, you know he is my adversary now, he's an adversary to all of Chaos. But he was a champion of change once upon a time – Ah! Jerk! You took my bishop…hohoh I'll get you for that.

But once the so called 'God-King' started seeing what could happen, he panicked. He did the very thing he should not have done, he stopped change. When things stop changing they stagnate, and once that happens Nurgle takes control and I am left in the metaphysical boondocks with my thumb up my ass.

Oh, you little….'check' my ass! Ugh fine…

Where was I? Oh yes…Change was important to survive, look at the Eldar, they stopped changing and now they are a bunch of space gypsies wandering around the galaxy.

Necrons are boring as shit; 'Hey you! 'Bzzap!'

Ah! Got your knight! Wait…did you take my other knight? *sigh*

Tryanids…well those guys are a spanner in the works but hey, that makes things all the more fun.

Orks? Ha! Those guys could not care less about advancement. I got to give Gork and Mork credit where it's due, they're dumber than stone but they are at least entertaining.

The current favourite for me is the Tau, those little buggers have got something special about them. Just like you humans used to have. Only their entire culture is based on change, they see something better they take it, and if they can't they adapt so they can. They change not only their surroundings but themselves.

But despite humanity's fall from grace, I still have high hopes. Sure you are stuck in a never ending cycle, circling the drain to your imminent doom, worshipping some wannabe Messiah who can't even blink and all while fighting an entire galaxy of foes…But hey, things change.

Case in point; our little chess game. You got me on the ropes, I seem completely defeated, I'm…what's that…oh is that a pawn that has escaped your notice…oh what a shame! You were so close to beating me. But as I said before and say it with me now:

'Things change!'

Well Queen me…aaaannndddd…check and mate. Oh what fun!

Now, now, I know you thought about your moves carefully, at least I think you did. But you know the rumours about me. They are probably rattling around your mind as we speak. I know you are too polite to voice what you are thinking, so I'll do it for you.

'Did I genuinely win or was it all a set up? Did we have an honest game or did I cheat?' Such good questions…

But the real question you have to ask, and I am sure will irritate you to no end, is this: would you believe me if I gave you the answer?

….well it's been a real time and a half, but you know the saying 'time flies when you're having fun'. Fun indeed; I hope you enjoyed our little talk.

Haha! I say 'talk', I was doing most of the oratory. But I must say you were a good listener.

I'm sure you can find your way out, after all you managed to find your way in. Try to ignore the paradoxical loop; that will make things easier.

I hope you take what I said on board; doing things differently I mean. You will probably wake up tomorrow morning and do the same mundane thing. But I hope that you will do something different; go left instead of right, have a different brand of tea, eat somewhere else…something…anything...

Then again, maybe you shouldn't listen; secrets and lies remember?

I doubt we'll see each other again, but if we do I hope you will be generous when I come to you and say…

'Got any spare change?'

Haha. Sorry; bad joke.

0o0o0o

Well there it is. I hope you enjoyed it. I had a lot of fun with this one.I cannot guarantee when the next one will come out (if there is a next one), but I'll see what I can do.

Review as always. Take care.


	3. Chapter 3

Hey guys I'm back.

First things first: **Shout outs.**

My thanks to **Disciple of Ember** and **Zeadman**, your words are both encouraging and helpful. Thank you for your kind and detailed reviews.

To **Alucard **– at this stage I'm looking at just Chaos, but they can easily be expanded to encompass other deities. We'll see how we go.

Also to **Fireburnswell**__– Thank you for your review. I'm sorry to say that I do not know much about Warhammer Fantasy at all. At this stage I am not looking at covering the deities of Warhammer Fantasy. I'm more than happy to discuss it further if you wish.

All that said and done, here is the latest chapter, and yes it is one that many of you have asked for.

I have to say this was easily the most difficult thing I have had to write.

Slaanesh can be interpreted in so many ways, it boggles the mind. He/she is just so tough to think about. I have been thinking about it and what you are about to read is the closest I can come up with. I can assure you for every word you read there were 6 words cut out. It initially ended up a whopping 8,000 words.

I hope you like it.

Without further ado, ladies and gents, may I present….

SLAANESH

Oh my. My, my, what a pretty little thing you are.

Come on don't be shy. Shy is the last thing you should be after making the trek through my Six Gardens. Was it everything you could have dreamed of and more?

It must have been a hell of journey. You don't even look tired. Oh what stamina you must have…Shall we test that? There is a bed right here. Granted it is a little soggy with 'fluids' but I'm sure you can overcome it. You don't look like someone who is squeamish. Ooh what's this, wow your skin is soft…but what is with the clothes? You know modesty is not really 'in' here. You can take them off. I promise I won't bite…at least not too much.

Come on don't be a tease…

…What do you mean 'no'? Oh, a human with standards, that is a change of pace, but I'm always willing to try new things. Well tell me what does swing your way?

Male? Female? Consensual or rape?

Domination or submission?

Drug-addled or clean?

Alive or dead? A lot enjoy dead.

Oh wait, are you interested in more exotic conquests? Ooh okay; how about Eldar? Or Tau?

Why not Ork? Granted it is a little bit difficult as the plumbing is…well there is no plumbing but that won't stop the fun. Vespid, maybe? Trust me, intimacy with a Vespid is out of this universe.

Or maybe danger is your middle name; why not Tyranid, you would be surprised what they can do with their tendrils. Necron; granted it is very one way, but hey, if you are selfish enough it doesn't matter how the other party feels right? But a flayer, now that is interesting, the way they dig those sharp little fingernails into your skin…..oh those dirty little daggers…

Oh...don't mind my Maidens; they are just so curious. As am I.

I would have expected you entering from the rear, but you are the first person who came in the front door. It was so…unexpected. I love surprises, there is nothing more pleasing to me when no one sees it coming. So what's your name cutie?

…Ah, of course you are; the name suits you. So tell me, my dear what brings you to my Palace?

'….to talk?' Interesting, I never tried that before. But talking is an art form, and it goes without saying that one needs a certain level of….hehehe….._oral skills_ in order for there to be a _fluidic exchange_ of conversation.

Wait, are you saying you traversed my Gardens just to converse? You slowly entered the _tight quarters_ of the twisting vines, _thrusting _yourself through the legions of deep sewers and ascended the _highest erections_ in my land for an interview?

Don't you find that even the most little bit romantic? I find it completely arousing…you sure you don't want to get on the bed and _embrace chaos_?

….'No'? Hard to get; I like that.

Wanting to know more about me is cute, sweet even. But there is not much to tell, I wear my allegiance like a badge of honour and so do those that follow me. What do you expect from a god that was fucked into existence? 'Cause long story short that's what happened.

…I'm sorry about that. I pride myself on manners. It's just…you are something of a rarity. No one ever comes to my Palace just to 'get to know me'. Everyone who comes here, wants something. Everyone here feels cheated by life and they want something that they believe is 'owed to them'.

Each of the other gods, my colleagues and my rivals, have a specific drive, one that was always there but never had the chance to express.

With Khorne, his acolytes are driven by bloodlust.

Tzeench a thirst of knowledge.

Nurgle, a desire for belonging.

Me? Because some poor dope was not treated right by their spouse. Ugh that is so subpar.

I should not be whining, I hold domain over billions of souls. But there is just something so… uncivilised about being fucked into existence. It is more anti-climactic than you think and that is not a joke for you to enjoy.

The Eldar gave birth to me, millennia of debauchery and sinful exploitation. Oh I can assure you human, if you saw even half of what the Eldar did back then your head would explode. Now half the Eldar have shaped up; they had a 'moment of clarity' as alcoholics would call it; they fight me at every turn. The other half…well, let's just say old habits die hard. I don't even hold it against them, you know. Being noble, righteous and diligent is lame. It is difficult. It is not fun.

But noble or dark, when Eldar die, their souls come to me. They become a part of me. They call it 'being devoured'; I call it 'returning home'. That's nothing really new, but let me tell you something. Something those pesky Eldar don't even know, and if they did, would never admit it.

I don't seek them out; I have _never_ sought their souls out. Their souls fly to _me_ of their _own volition_, like moths to a flame. Your God-Emperor is a beacon in the void for man. The same is me for the Eldar, I am them the embodiment of what they were, what they are and what they will be.

That is the punch line; the zinger of all zingers. I don't search and I don't make promises. I don't recruit and I don't convert. I just sit here doing absolutely nothing. But people come…hehe…arrive at my door willingly and of their own free will. All the time, all day every day.

It's like…it's like people drawn to that one person. You know, that reckless friend you have? The one who does all that crazy shit, is a lot of laughs and makes friends easily? Every group has that guy. He decides to do something and people, realizing how good the idea is, join him.

Well I am that guy, and all my followers, are those friends. People always love a good party, but me? I _am _the party. I can go _anywhere_ and I can do _anything_. They just follow me to go everywhere and do everything. Wait that rhymed. Nice! I have to try and make a song where that fits.

And in this grimdark universe that somehow got a double helping of grimdark, why shouldn't they follow me? The galaxy sucks…a lot and in more ways than one if you get my drift. All those rules, those regulations, fear mongering, propaganda, loss of life and love. Can you really blame them?

They don't voice their opinions out loud, oh no, doing so will result in a little visit from the commissar. But I can hear them whisper it from the darkest corners of their soul, screaming 'what about me? It isn't fair! I've had enough and I want my share!' Another rhyme? I'm on a roll, someone write this stuff down, I'm making art here!

But in the end, that is where I come in. I don't demand anything, only that you enjoy yourself and do what you want, and the enjoyment part is purely optional. Don't get me wrong, I am definitely not a good guy…or girl. Quite opposite, then again chicks swoon for the bad guy...and guys have the hots for the bad girl.

I have billions of followers but you just don't notice them, and most of them don't even notice how they serve me. All you hear about are the ones who get off on doing the whole 'kill and fuck everything that moves and not necessarily in that order' and there's nothing wrong with that. But the ones you don't hear are the numerous regular folk, I'm pretty sure you are one of them. They commit acts in my name all the time.

Taking a sick leave from work when you weren't actually sick.

Stealing someone else's pen.

Savouring the fact you made the cut when others did not.

Ate more food when you were already full.

Donating a couple of credits to charity.

Slept with someone else despite already having a partner.

Went on a trip without telling anyone.

Mass genocide of an entire planet.

Donating blood.

Drinking to excess despite already being completely wasted.

Petting a dog you know to have fleas.

All this and more, people all over the galaxy do this...well…maybe not the donating blood thing…and for no other reason than because they want to. You think those measly couple of donated credits are actually going to help solve galactic hunger or win the war against the Tyranids? No, of course not. But hey it sure feels good when you do it. A little bit of spiritual freedom; 'I've done my part for the universe now I'm taking the day off.'

That's what I am all about, doing what you want and more. Do what makes you happy then and now. No one knows what the future will hold, what if all that hard work for a better life does not pay off, trust me in this galaxy that is an absolute certainty. Why bother working towards something that may not happen rather that guaranteed pleasure right then and there? My side of the street offers all things that society frowns upon.

While they say 'why?,' I say 'why not?'. They say 'no', I say 'hell yeah!' and around and around we go. . I like to see much I can annoy someone without getting a chainsword to the face. I'm also the one who would push a glass off a kitchen bench when bored. I can offer them everything that their precious Imperium cannot.

Well….almost everything. There are some things I can't do, mostly because I have yet to experience it and the sad part is I probably never will.

Faith. Hope. Forgiveness. Discipline. Peace. These things are beyond me. I know they may seem 'lame' to the likes of you coming from the embodiment of excess, but once you have experienced climax due to a colonoscopy with a revved up chainsword, you're kind of scraping the bottom of the barrel for new experiences. The double-entendre shtick is something I just do to keep my mind occupied.

Even though I am on the other side looking in I can only imagine the spiritual pleasure one gets in believing in the Anathema. The problem being divine is that it's very hard…heheh…very difficult thinking like a mortal.

I can easily experience the pleasure of exotic tortures, excessive orgies, overdosing on narcotics and bathing in bloodshed. But it's the little things that escape my sight, which was always Tzeench's territory. I would love nothing more than to experience the faith of a loyal servant of the Imperium, the kind of faith that would fill a heart with strength, power and pride. The kind of faith that if kept, promised everlasting peace. What a feeling that could be…

But alas I can't. For that feeling would require the impossible, to actually be a loyal servant of the Imperium. To not actually know what Anathema really is or is not. Faith is that; not knowing but believing something to be true.

And…well you know…Chaos and Imperium just don't mix. And I am all about Chaos. But hey that won't stop me from trying. Because once you have lived as long as I have, and done the things I have done…you're kind of running out of stuff to do.

I mean, Khorne has his 'noble warrior' slash 'psycho-blood thing' going on with him.

Tzeench is all 'just as planned'.

Nurgle is more about everything being the same in one big happy family, kind of lame but he makes it work.

But me…I'm all about pushing the limits, experiencing things differently. Those that follow me are quite happy doing whatever it is they do. But what's left when you have done all that can be done, experienced everything that you can experience? Kind of a bummer, isn't it?

But I am not without _hope_, I mean I never would have thought a human would show up just to have a chat. If that is possible than so is everything else.

So in this instance I must say thanks, you have provided me with a new experience. I would reward you but, you don't seem interested in anything I have to offer. Hehehe.

You take care sweetie, and hey drop me a line sometime. But do so only if you want to. We'll paint the town _red_,as it were.

Ciao!

0o0o0o

Well fellas there you have it. Like I said, I found Slaanesh to be the most difficult of the gods to write (so far at least). I hope you enjoyed it, and even if you didn't let me know. I'm always eager to improve.

TTFN!


	4. Chapter 4

Okay fellas please don't throw anything at me. For the sake of completeness I decided to throw something into the mix for fun. I hope you enjoy.

Without further ado may I present…ummm….hmmm….that's strange…..

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You're not going to go away are you?

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…I see.

What kind of person comes to me?

I don't know but it is certainly not you. Then again the people that come to me do not actively search for me. Not once, in all my long existence has anyone or anything willingly come to serve me. They just…show up.

Kind of like you. But you are clearly not here to serve; did you come to me by chance then? How deliciously chaotic.

Don't bother asking who or what I am. It doesn't really matter, to be honest I kind of forgot. You ever get one of those days where you wake up one morning and for a split second you just forget stuff? Yeah, that's me except its every second of every day.

I used go by many names. Some would drive you mad, some would make you cower in fear. Others would just make you raise your eyebrows in anti-climactic confusion.

I was the 'be-all-and-end-all', once upon a time. The bee's knees. The shit. The 'avten na arten'.

….oh you don't speak Eldar do you? Of course not, you're human. Wait are you? I don't know…eh doesn't matter. But then again you are not 'just a human'. Otherwise you would not be here.

I have no idea who you are or how you got here. This place is supposed to be a secret. But then again, 'supposed' is a word I both love and hate. Many things are supposed to happen, just as many things are not supposed to happen.

For instance, I was not supposed to be exiled by my kin. I speak of my Chaos brethren. I say this because I sense their stink on you. To any of my acolytes they would look at you as a servant of Chaos and be dealt with accordingly.

But alas, no acolytes, just me. In truth I don't actually have acolytes, more like….fellow enthusiasts.

…'Enthusiasts of what'? Well that is a good question, but I'm afraid you would be rather disappointed. I am just a humble philosopher searching for meaning in this dull universe. Along the way I meet fellow enthusiasts we compare notes. We talk about it and they stay for a time; could be minutes, could be centuries, you know how it goes. Once it's over we say goodbye and part ways. They leave, I stay. Some of them return, others do not. There have been many opinions, but sadly no answers.

But me? I have the answer, or at least the closest to an answer there is.

But I can't tell you the answer, you don't want to hear it. You think you do but you don't, no one does. That is why I am here and not _there_. It is a funny feeling being in the world of the material rather than the immaterial. It is so…different. Not good or bad, just different.

Chaos hates the material world. It hates different, it hates anything that is not them. I myself care not but they do. That is why I do what I do and that is why they cast me out.

Agh, why be coy? My kin actually tried to destroy me, I am supposed to be dead. But it was not to be. They think I am dead, but thinking is different to knowing and they all have their doubts.

That is why Tzeench, the crafty little bugger hides in a maze.

That is why Khorne keeps his axe close to him.

That is why Nurgle keeps an army of followers so close it violates personal space.

Slaanesh, I don't even think she knows I exist, she came after my time. But if she did I would be the thing she fears most. For in the end, if they are rampant children I am the old man that yells 'party's over'. But then again you already knew that, just as I'm sure you can guess who I am.

Then again maybe not.

I am not angry with them, it's my fault really. They just weren't ready, they were too afraid; too confused. I suppose it is the curse of being young. I was cast out when they gained sentience. First it was Nurgle, then Tzeench, then Khorne.

Those three were like children, and like children they had no idea what they were doing. Here's the rub, are you ready? They were never supposed to achieve sentience. That is the very flaw of their power; they were created by accident. But realisation can be ugly. When they came to that conclusion….well let's just say they were resistant to the idea, and once they realised what _my _job was they panicked.

Have you ever seen an omniscient entity panic? It is really quite spectacular; if you ever get the opportunity I suggest you sit back and watch.

Look at Chaos now. It is not evil, it is eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeevvviiiiiiiiiiiiiillllllllllllllll with a capital 'E'. It's _embarrassing_. Chaos is not meant to be what it is now. Chaos, I mean TRUE chaos, is not like this. Chaos is interesting, capable of LIMITLESS possibilities.

A man gets shot by a rifle but the next man lives because the same rifle jams. However chaos is not black and white, it is an endless stretch of grey. Chaos could lead to the rifle jamming or firing; but that is not all it can do.

The rifle could fire and hit a man's leg.

Or it could explode in the wielders hands, maiming him, alternatively killing him.

Conversely, the gun shoots a magical fluid that heals all injuries.

The alternative to that alternative is that the gun fires, the bullet bounces off a man's plate armour hits a passing fighter, kills the pilot, explodes and the pieces of wreckage form a beautiful haiku on the side of a mountain.

Sounds impossible right? But that is chaos; anything is possible: but in that lies a major flaw.

Chaos is chaos, is chaos, is chaos. Chaos must be chaotic in how it is chaotic, which in turn must be chaotic in why it is chaotic. Chaos ensures nothing is constant. But it is a delicate balance, you see? Too much and you get order. Too little and you get order. There has to balance….but even then the balance must be put off balance so there is chaos…otherwise there is balance.

….I'm sorry, is this making your head spin? I find it delightful.

If that does not make sense, maybe I could simplify it.

It is not a revolution, it is a movement. Chaos happens and then it just stops…and for no reason it starts again. Chaos must turn on itself and destroy itself.

That is where I come in. I am the one who closes Pandora's Box when it is opened. Because of that, my kin fear me. They fear me closing the door. They fear losing power. They fear me sinking into oblivion and taking all of them with me. They fear non-existence.

But they should not fear me. They should rejoice. That is what the others don't get, chaos is not meant to last forever. But they are afraid, they cling onto sentience and to existence, immaterial or not, like dying fish crying out for water. But nonetheless, despite the fear and the panic, the party must end and soon.

When you might ask? Well that is up to me now isn't it. I know as a sane human you must welcome the prospect of chaos being over. To no longer be afraid…

But don't be so certain, for chaos will never be over. Chaos is chaos, there are not supposed to be rules. I close the door, but who opens it? Now THAT is the interesting question.

I would answer, but if you are as half as smart as I think you are you could probably guess as to whom. With that in mind, maybe you'll indulge in a little heresy if you have the intestinal fortitude. I can guarantee that no one is going to tell you what I am about to, so listen up:

The Emperor is not a god: because there is no such thing as gods.

You are not supposed to kill people, you are supposed to go to Temple. You are not supposed to burn down your house, you are supposed to pay your taxes. Why? Because the Emperor, or his so-called representatives, said so. The small men that run the Imperium cling to the power they wield like dirt clings to robes, for they have tasted what it is like to be divine. So they react violently and absolutely when you defy them.

So you do it, even if you hate what you are supposed to do, because you fear what will happen if you don't. Through that fear does your Emperor gain his divinity and those old men gain their holiness; and humanity has been stuck in a rut ever since.

The Four Chaos Gods, Cegorach, the C'tan, Gork and Mork, the friggin Hive Mind, the Greater Good, even me…we are just things. Powerful terrifying things, but nonetheless things. We all have a beginning and we all have an end. The only difference between you and us is that our end will come when no one is around to feed us, to fear us… to worship us. If us so called deities were truly all powerful we would not need followers, we would not need entire armies to fight on our behalf and we would definitely not need sacrifices.

But that in itself is terrifying, because if what I am saying is true then what is the point of everything? If there are such things as gods, that must mean there must be a plan, there must be a place for you in this universe, there must be a reason, good or evil, why you are where you are and doing what you do.

Because what is the alternative?

You are all hurtling through this universe, a mere speck in a sea of stars with absolutely no hope of understanding. You have no purpose and in the end you don't matter. You never _did_, and what's more, you never will. The alternative is there is no reason for anything and the word 'supposed' will cease to exist. But through that lack of reason of purpose you can gain freedom to do whatever you want.

That is something I look forward to. This possibility, the elimination of the word 'supposed' is well within your grasp. You have a choice right now to not believe a single word I said and walk away thinking that what I say does not matter. Or you choose to believe me and everything you know, everything you have learned means nothing.

It is a large step to take, but one that can be taken, not only by you but by anyone and anything.

The Ork can choose not believe in the Waaaaaaugh! The Tryanid can choose not to obey the Hive Mind. The Necron can choose to embrace life rather than take it. Man can choose not to obey the precious Emperor of Mankind. Chaos can choose to be benevolent. They just have to take the step. But they won't, they are slaves to their nature, slaves to their instinct. They won't fight it or ignore it any more than you would fight the need to breathe.

But I been around for a very, _very_ long time. I have seen many things, both predictable and unexpected. You would be very, very, VERY surprised at what happens if you stick around long enough.

Don't believe me? Feel free to stick around as long as you want. You'll see.

Or don't. I don't care either way.

I am sure you have many other things you are supposed to do.

I doubt we'll meet again.

But then again maybe we will. After all, anything is possible.

0o0o0o

Well that's it folks. I hope you enjoyed it.

Nurgle's up next.


	5. Chapter 5

I'm back folks.

You know how I said Slaanesh was really hard to write? I take it back. This was much harder and I don't think it will be all downhill from here.

I'm glad you fellas appreciated the previous chapter.

Before I continue I should mention that some of the content in here was taken from someone simply called 'Anon'. If you're reading this 'Anon' thanks for the content I greatly appreciate it and this one is for you.

I realise that there is an overuse of ellipses (…) and rhetorical questions especially in this chapter but I hope you will be able to follow along.

But now ladies and gents I present to you last, but certainly not least, the one you have all been waiting for…

NURGLE

_Buboes, phlegm, blood and guts! _

_Humpty-dumpty-dum-dee-dum._

_Boils, bogeys, rot and pus!_

_Bumpty-sumpty-tum-tum-tum._

_Blisters, fevers, weeping sores! _

_Dum-dee-dum-dee-ra-ra-ra!_

_From your wounds the fester pours!_

_Dum-dee-dum-dee-da-da-da!_

Oh hi little Aesina what's new?

…Woah, woah, woah! Slow down okay. Just take a deep breath and tell me what happened.

…a guest? Here? Where?

…Well hello!

Welcome to the neighbourhood! Welcome!

Oh my I have been waiting for so long to finally meet you. So you're the one that is causing all the ruckus.

Well come in! Sit, sit, anywhere you like really! Mind the little ones beneath you.

Oh, can I offer you something to drink? Something normal, what is it humans drink…y'know, that clear stuff?...Water? Yes water. Shakaaa'rreet, be a lad and bring our guest some water, that clean stuff not the normal brew…that might take a while.

…alright boys and girls don't crowd our guest. Come on! Come on! I'm sure there are other things you should be doing.

HEY! Kra'sitik, what have I told you about manners? No biting guests! Apologise! NOW!...That's a good boy. Now go back and play with your brothers.

…I am so _sorry_ about that, the little ones don't listen to anyone half the time. Especially me. Kids, tch! Speaking of kids, I apologise for not introducing them to you, it's just that if I do that we are going to be here for a _long_ time, and you seem to be on a tight schedule. I can relate to that, trust me.

I hope you don't mind me working while we talk but you know how it goes; busy, busy, busy. Sometimes I think I need a vacation. I'm currently working on a new mix of anthrax, tricky business but if I'm honest it's all about getting the heat right. Too cold and nothing happens, too hot and it dies.

Sorry if I seem like babbling but it is just exciting to meet you. I have heard so much about you, Slaanesh will not stop talking about you. It was sweet really. I also heard you visited Khorne and Tzeench too.

I was beginning to wonder if you have forgotten I even existed.

But here you are!

I'm actually surprised you made it this far, by that I mean actually getting past Khorne. Did he try and fight you to the death? I bet he did; he was always the serious one. I'm actually worried about him, bloody anti-social he is. Don't get me wrong, I love him deeply but I just feel his is not happy; he always claims he wants to fight somebody but he just sits on his throne looking bored.

'Khorne, my friend,' I told him, 'if you want to fight people to the death you will have to actually leave your fortress.' Then he got all huffy and tried to hit me over the head with an axe. Haven't talked to him since.

I _know_ he is deeper than he lets on, I don't why he shows it. Maybe he's embarrassed. Perhaps he is so focused on blood, that it distracts him from the other things he could appreciate. Khorne has no appreciation for fine art, or for good music, or for the feeling of dying, he just burns and destroys. Slaanesh at least has the good sense to rape and pillage first.

Ah Slaanesh, sweet girl really. About as controllable and mature as you would expect from a 'teenager'. She's always in a hurry, got to do this, got to do that, never satisfied, blah, blah, blah.

'Relax my dear,' I said, 'you are one of us. Stop playing around with the Eldar, it's very rude. You're not going anywhere anytime soon. Take your time.'

She just rolled her eyes and says '_whatever gramps_' and goes off to do…whatever it is she does. I prefer not to think about it. I hold a deep affection for my 'sister', but I fear her lack of restraint will destroy her. What will happen when she reaches a limit that cannot be transcended? What then? She will have to grow up eventually; there is nothing I can do but be there for her when that happens.

Tzeench must have been interesting. I myself have not spoken to him in ages, we just never got along you know. Breaks my heart really. I wish we could relate but alas we focus on different things. He's all progress, change and future, but you know what that tells me? You are lacking, you are found wanting and that is not a good thing.

And he was so enthusiastic when he was first born, ya know what I mean? So curious about everything; like a little kid he just would stop asking 'why', that's Tzeentch for ya.

He would ask in that echoey voice of his stuff like '_why is the sky blue?_'

'Because it is' I would say.

'_But why? Why not green?_'

And I would reply, 'because that would be wrong.'

'_Why is that wrong? I like green._'

HAHA! You like stories right? Hoo boy was Tzeench's birth something. Ha! Oh he would skin me alive if I told you….huh…you know, he actually would…maybe another time.

Which is why even though Tzeench hates my guts I still care for him. This is why everyone says Nurgle is the age-old enemy of Tzeench, not the other way around. It's not that we hate each other….well I don't hate him at least. It's just a difference of opinion.

But despite the gripes I have with my siblings and their gripes with me, I still care for them. The only thing we have in this universe is each other. I know it is cliché and sentimental but I am what the universe made me.

But I am rambling. You don't call a sewage technician to redecorate your bathroom, and you didn't come to me to hear about my siblings; not when you have done that yourself already.

Speaking of ready, I think it's time to test out little brew. You sure you don't want a taste?

…No? Oh well more for me! Now let's see….hmm not bad, not bad. But it seems to be missing something.

….Excuse me a moment. Hey Shan'Buraki'i! Could you come here for a second?...Would you be able to do me a favour: I need you and about a dozen of your brothers and sisters to get me a tonne of _bacillus cereus_...Huh? Oh, you'll find it on the south-east quadrant of the Garden, it's right where that brown sludge farm is…Thanks kiddo, you're the best…And hey if you get lost just ask one of the groundskeepers!

….I apologise for that. I've got a bit of a deadline if I want to get this out in time for the-ah! Sorry, I don't mean to bore you with business.

But I suppose if I am going to explain who I am, I must enquire as to what you already know about me. The Imperium of Mankind paints a picture of me as a Chaos God of Disease, Decay, and Destruction; the Plague Lord that is fuelled by humanity's despair and fear of death.

Well guess what?

It's true. I admit it.

I am not going to defend myself. I am not a 'good' being in the strictest sense. Fear of dying is what fuels the fires of my cauldron…and as you can see there is ample fear in the universe, now more than ever.

But I have never lied about it, nor made people think otherwise.

The ones that flock to me for help, crying and sobbing…begging me to save them from death. And it falls upon me to set them straight: I can't save them from death, I don't have that kind of power. No one has. They think they can cheat death, but they can't. From human to Ork, from Eldar to Necron: nothing escapes death. Not even me. That is the delusion of mortals, but I don't deal in delusion; I deal in truth. Cold, lifeless truth.

And I have to explain this truth to every one of my sons' and daughters', and it is not something I _enjoy_. Not a single person joined our family under deceptive terms, and no matter their background or social standing they are all welcome.

But can the Imperium, Tau or Eldar say the same thing about themselves? What about you?

Do you claim to be something you are not? Haha! I bet you do, you cheeky bugger. I bet you pretend you are perfect.

Over the past whatever millennia, little by little human beings have been confronted with situations that give them more and more clues that they aren't perfect. But the Imperium for all its guff despises humanity and the imperfections it brings. It longs to crush those faults, those little imperfections into the dust. But they are fighting a losing battle, because what they are trying to destroy the very fabric of what they are.

I mean take the Anathema they are trying to keep him alive forever, even when they know they can't. Because the thought of the God-Emperor of Mankind being nothing less than perfect is absolutely unthinkable and they fight anything that says otherwise. Why do humans insist on fighting everything? Why? It just doesn't make any sense to me, can't we all just get along?

I'm not perfect and neither are my children. I know that and you know what; I'm okay with it, I love my kin just the way they are. And they should be too.

What the Eldar, Tau and Imperium say about me is true; I am the embodiment of death and decay given form. But what they say, while true is incomplete. I am also about life…well not life in the way you would define it; more like _rebirth_ if anything. The universe wastes nothing and no matter how hard Tzeench tries, it's impossible to alter the fundamental rules of the universe.

Nothing _ever truly_ dies, it is merely _transformed_. Why do you think the Necron's failed their first attempt at exterminating all life? They can't.

You grieve the death of your friend who died whether it be in battle or accident, you wish you had more time, you wish your friend was back. But have you considered the flip side of the coin? Maybe your friend was supposed to pass on. Maybe he was supposed to lie in the earth and be food so that more worms could be born, and flowers could have fertilizer to bloom.

Out of death comes life, out of life comes death. That's it, that's the eternal cycle. Because as hard as you might try you cannot separate life from death, it is_ impossible_ and those that try are interfering with the natural order of universe.

Life is sacred _because_ of death. Death is sacred _because _of life.

Hence my fondness for diseases; do you know how much life exists in a petri dish of bacteria? Do you know how many microbes are in your stomach right now much less your body? Do you know how they are important to your function as a living organism?

Let me tell you boyo, if the Imperium followed their technical definition of a 'pure human race' they would have died out eons and eons ago. Humans are not an island into themselves, you are a hive housing thousands of different lives. They are alive because of you, and you are alive because of them.

But what about the spores of some fungus, or the Ebola Virus, or the maggots hatching from a decaying corpse. Aren't these not alive as well, aren't they part of the great mystery and never ending cycle that is life? Is it just that they are alive, but they are not equal to your own? Don't you think that is just a little bit presumptuous?

How does one gage if life is superior to another? If it is based on how far they can spread or how much damage they can do, then I'm afraid smallpox is the most superior lifeform in the universe.

If it is based on how long they survived then I'm sorry, bad news; _Rickettsia rickettsii _aka Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever trumps humans, Eldar and just about everything else by about, oh I don't know, the _dawn of life_ as you know it. Even if we decided to pass good old R&amp;R, you still have leprosy and that has been around so long it is probably the only thing the species of the galaxy have in common. That stuff is hardier than even the most blessed of terminator armour!

Isn't that great? The only thing that unites life is a _disease_, some could say that life itself _is_ a disease. An ever moving ever changing mass of organic matter spreading as far and wide as it can? That sounds like the influenza virus!

In this sick, sick galaxy everyone and everything is out for themselves but it doesn't have to be this way. Who's to say necrosis and living flesh can't work together? Who is to say that mortal enemies fighting each other on a cellular level can't work together and live in harmony?

Speaking of harmony I – oh Shan'Buraki'I, back already? Awesome. Well put it in fellas…Thanks guys let's have a taste shall we?

…Oh that is much _better_! I think this is ready for a final tasting. Well look boyo I hate to dine and dash but I have to take care of some further business. I hope the trip here was worth it.

K'Adawisa will show you out, don't worry she doesn't bite.

Well it was great to meet you, I _hope _we can do this again you're always welcome.

Ta Ta!

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Wait! WAIT!

Sorry, sorry! Before you go, oh this is _embarrassing_, pardon my manners. If you have a spare moment, there is someone I think you would like to meet…

0o0o0o

DUN! DUN! DUUUUUUUUN!

Well that's it fellas, those were the Chaos Gods. I hope you enjoyed it. But don't say goodbye we might see them again, who knows?

At this stage I am looking to continue this story to its logical conclusion.

TTFN!


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